I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
