I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
