i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
