As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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