Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
