Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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