He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
