Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
