God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
