He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
