my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
