i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
