dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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