I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize