The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
