why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize