i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
