you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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