her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
