how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
