community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
