It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
