you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
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