Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
