My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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