Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
