so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
