The maid of honor just puked.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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