Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
