So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Randomize
