??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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