dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
