So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
