i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
