why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
