It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
