The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
