I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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