apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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