It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
