dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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