did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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