my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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