yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
