yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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