I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
