I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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