Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
