Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
