your thong is hanging out like whoa
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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