does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
