1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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