dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
