Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
