how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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