Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
