Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
