i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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