Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
