I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
