I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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